sometimes being brave isn't easy.
but sometimes you just have to take one step, put yourself out there, and see if the ground is solid or sinking. and that isnt even to say that the ground will forever be solid or complete mush....
life is so scary when you can't just live in the moment.
i don't think i was ever conditioned to that pattern of thought.
i really wish i was and i am wanting to be.
the life of a single mom is busy with work and school and a home and a kid. your actual self gets pushed to the backburner and suddenly you've forgotten you were on the stove at all and there's a crusty liquid burned onto the wall and a small fire.... you're a mess and very overdone.
so i took a step today.
i went to my very first therapy session. i have only 2 nights off a week that are muay thai nights and i have given up on muay thai for a little while to kind of find a balance again... to not be forgotten about.
i felt lost for a while as she asked me the basic "getting to know you/why are you here" questions. part of me didn't even know why i was there and then as i heard myself rambling, i really had no idea why i was there. having to go back to memories from when i was 3, 8, 13, 15, and even 22 and 24 just seemed like parts of episodes from some really crappy tv show that got cancelled after 1 season. i know the impacts they made were deep (obviously since i am the way i am today), but... i have no attachment to them.... recalling things .... it just seemed like everything kept blending.... that this one thing happened because of this other thing and then in turn i did this one thing and now i am this way.
but the point is, i took that first scary step into the unknown. i took that first step forward into the dark, eternal abyss and im not turning back to the familiarity i call "home." it's no home at all really. it's some hollowed out tree with raccoons that poop in my food.... or something like that.
i wish it were some quick fix, some easy answer that could set me straight. i forget though, that we are all living this life, all with pasts and stories and all with our own quirks and insecurities. not one person, no matter how put together they try to seem, really has a deep understanding or trust in their steps.
sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there. maybe sometimes people will lie and say one thing when all the evidence is stacked on the other side. maybe sometimes people will reject you to your face and not lie at all. maybe, the severity of the emotions attached with each of these situations is more on how you perceive it than how it really is.
the very place im supposed to be living.
i have my eyes so fixated on the "end result" that i trip and fall.
i dont see the sinkholes in the ground. i dont see wildlife and nature in front of me.
i trip on tree roots and the raccoons that are quietly pooping in my food.
we're all a little afraid.
we're all a little unsure.
we're all a little insecure and nervous.
but these "moments" that people live in....
i want to live there too.
not this shitty place i call "home."
i took a step forward today into the dark, eternal abyss.
and i didnt sink.
the point is, i took a step forward.
the road in front of me i know is going to be long and tedious and frustrating, but very incredibly rewarding.
to get to that place of not worrying what will be, but just taking what is.... and liking it, appreciating it no matter how short of a time frame it potentially exists.... i want to be there.... and soon enough ill get there.
it feels funny to have a stranger watch you unpack all of your baggage and not turn and scream at your period stained granny panties. i mean really, she sat there listening to my life stories in my obscure and vague means of telling, and started telling me all these things she saw about me... things that other people have said to me.... genuine good things about who i am as a person.
the society we live in is so hung up on looks and possession and this quest to be at the top of the social ladder that we forget sometimes what is really important- the quality of a person. i didn't have much of that kind of insight into my life growing up. i got told all of the things i was not doing right and all of the things i was not. the only people that ever spoke to me on a positive level were usually teachers.... and that never helped with me getting picked on.
for me to sit and really think good of myself feels vain and arrogant.... and when people tell me all of these good things they see in me, i get all watery-eyed cos i think of what i may have been or may even be if i could just believe it.
so that is scary step #2 i suppose.
like i said, the road in front of me is going to be long, tedious, frustrating, and probably full of more watery-eyed scenarios than i would care to have happen, but, it definitely is going to be incredibly rewarding. maybe ill finally be the kelly haines im supposed to be. maybe ill finally be able to make the mark im meant to leave.
so im learning to slow down, learning to live in this "moment" everyone's talking about, and above all learning the value that i really do have, and to appreciate and heck, maybe even LOVE myself... because it is not arrogant or vain at all...
i've shortchanged myself for so long and underestimated myself completely.... ive been so critical and such a perfectionist and a worrier.... ive missed out, cowered in fear, pushed people away, and definitely farted on some too.... but.... the best is yet to come, right?
that cliche bullshit might for once be true. we'll see.....