Monday, February 4, 2013

a bit of a breather

i feel like im getting my second wind.

maybe it's the grueling schedule i have or the gray, dismal, mid-winter season this state is in, but i have been draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagging lately.  i have had zero drive, zero ambition, and zero motivation to get things done.  for a kid like me with OCD, it has been really hard watching my house get "messy," finding piles of laundry that need to be washed and put away, finding no food in the house cos i forgot to get some, and seeing my grades slipping.

maybe it was the thought of the finish line that got me going today.  many finish lines.  spring is coming and i can take bubs to the park, go running outside, go for walks, breathe FRESH AIR without my lungs freezing and spasming.  the smells of spring are coming too.  my tax return is coming which means a bit of a breather from the stress of trying to manage a house and school and part time work and an almost 3 year old on my own.  i graduate in september and for most of you that is completely bizarre for me to think im almost done, but realistically this quarter ends in march, next quarter is my review classes, and then i do an externship over the summer.  then im done.  i graduate and prep for a board exam and a licensing exam.  then im DONE.  realistically it is so close.  music is also coming together too because a friend and i are already bouncing ideas off each other and finding our tastes click and that gets me excited and motivated.

i was laying on my floor taking a minute to myself to stretch.  i never understood meditation.  this conscious attempt to get your brain to shut down and focus on "nothing".... but somehow... it just happened all on its own.  i laid on the floor for like 10 minutes in complete space.... and i felt alive again. 

i am the OCD mom that tries to take on EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING and be EVERYTHING ..... always everyone else first.  for 10 minutes, i got a bit of a glimpse in my head.  i got a moment to appreciate quiet and life and the fact that this whole 29 year journey ive been on so far has been HORRIBLY rough since day 1... but im here.  im here and things have only gotten better.  ive had to make some sacrifices and choices to get here but... im here.

i am still here.  still breathing.  and for 10 minutes i focused on every muscle in my body and got a 10 minute appreciation of myself as a spiritual being.  im not made to be invincible.  im made to fight.  im made to share this journey with people i meet and have others share theirs with me. 

we all have stories.  we all have struggles.  each day, every person has their own battles and "to do" lists that plague them and weigh on their minds.

i will stick by this theory til death that we are all a little lost, all a little scared, all a little hurt and confused and unsure.... but some are just better at faking it than others.  im not as alone as i think i am. 

REALITY CHECK: no one expects me to do it all and be perfect.  things can wait.  life was meant to be lived and enjoyed.  even if for just 10 minutes, i got to appreciate something so simple - breathing, stretching, feeling, and understanding my physical self as a whole. 

it's 9pm and im in bed.  why?  why gramma why??? 
today's the day i got my second wind.  why am i in bed already?

today is also the day im going to start taking care of myself.  i have such big things this year that are going to happen.  HUGE HUGE things i never dreamed i could ever accomplish.  im not going to run myself ragged 2 months in and possibly fuck it all up.

this is my year.  this is my second wind.  the finish line may still be 10 miles away, but today is the first day, all year, that i finally feel like i can make it to the end.

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