cleaning off the cobwebs

quite literally actually.

i had no idea honestly that a 96 year old house with wood trim EVERYWHERE, including the ceilings, would collect that much dust and cobwebs.  but then again, i have absolutely no freakin clue when i cleaned those places last.  i mean yeah i clean the stuff i notice, but im a really short girl, soooo stuff up near the ceiling, i dont take notice of.

and holy shit i should have.  what on a weekly basis would take me like 10 minutes tops, took me almost an hour.  i got meticulous tho with my crazy OCD brain cleaning every little nook i could find, high and low.

why the fuck am i talking about cleaning my house?  cos suddenly it hit home.

this one little task i kept putting off...with some weekly upkeep would not be super overwhelming and time consuming and out of hand.  i kept ignoring it until it was really quite ridiculous.  just like a lot of issues in my own life.  things i think i have under control or that aren't a big deal have suddenly blinded me like staring at headlights at night.  they've become like a car, racing drunkenly down some abandoned road nearly about to hit the one stupid person wandering that area late at night.  before the fatal crash, all this person sees is a bright light.... these blinding headlights of an out of control car.

and easily .... easily... shit has just gotten out of control.  meh, it's a little TOO personal to start listing ALL of my issues (although, aside from describing my menstrual cycle, this whole blog is pretty damn personal), but a number of things i thought i had under control have cornered me and blinded me and finally, i decided to get some help for them.

and i am not the type of person to ask for help.  i am royally too stubborn.  i would rather look like a failing fool most of the time than let anyone extend a hand to help.  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand ive gotten pretty good at failing and looking foolish.

the screaming voices of all the things i cant deal with on my own have brought about insomnia, crazy amounts of unnecessary stress, and a lack of motivation for the things i usually am all about.  i have no shame in admitting all of this.  everyone, and i mean, EVERY LAST PERSON ON THIS PLANET, has one or a hundred things they are dealing with.  im out of options and resources and hands to keep doing this myself.

my cryptic facebook nonsense last nite was just that.  i am going to let go of things to free up some time to get some help.  i wont be seeing people as much any more in order to focus on school and taking care of things at home and with my own self.

i have this horrible habit of putting everything off til later.  how many laters do you go through before what could have and should have been something quick and easy becomes a time consuming monster of a project?

so, day 1.  i am getting some help.  i cleaned some cobwebs.  i crossed one thing off my  4 page " to do" list.  id say today has been productive.