revolving door

my life, like anyone's, has been a consistent revolving door of hello's and goodbye's.... embraceable and bittersweet.

years ago, when i first moved out here, my focus was music.  i wrote horribly sad songs of heartache and all my insecurities and confusion.  i played for semi-empty coffee houses and played at the fine line even on monday nights once a month.... and then i met J.  and there were some issues there to where i gave up on something i loved.  i said goodbye to it and hello to jiu jitsu.

now seriously, dont get me wrong.... i love my family at AMA and all the people i trained with that helped me get better and grow.  i LOVE my Papa Junior for teaching me about life and respect and self respect.  i can not even put to words the lessons that man has taught me and how much i love that i can call him family.  i dont have blood family out here so to have my gym family, that is probably WHY i gave up on something i loved so much.  i can't complain as i said cos i won a national title in bjj and a state title in judo.  that's some serious business.

then injury and pregnancy led me to like a near 4 year hiatus.  i met muay thai and fell in a love affair with it as well.  i found my jiu jitsu gi and the blue belt id earned and decided this year i was going to make music, train, go to school, hang out with audrey, etc etc etc.....

i cant.  i cant do it.  i am slightly running myself ragged with all of the ambitious goals i'd set for myself.  granted, yes, it's only february, but... something's gotta give.

with what little free time i do have, and since i dont really have babysitter access, i think muay thai is going to have to take an even farther back seat in my life for music.  i already set it down once and now it looks like the wheels may be in motion to get going in that area of my life again and... i dont want to set it down again.  it's probably the only time during the day i feel happiest and alive and completely at peace with the screaming voices in and around my head- when i am listening to a really amazing song and singing along in my car at the top of my lungs dancing like a complete fool, or sitting and writing my own attempt at a great song.

i cant keep trying to invest my energy in 1000 places at once.  i cant do it.  so im sorry to my fam at the gym.  im sorry to the gloves and shin pads i invested money in, but for now, YOU have to take the back seat.  it's not forever as i've noticed the revolving door pattern, and yes, this is a bittersweet break, but... i miss that feeling of being alive.  i miss that feeling of my heart smiling.  i miss that gut feeling of knowing i am right where i belong.

i love how everything in my life has brought some amazing challenges.  i love how they come and go.  music has challenged me to work through some incredible insecurities and issues and heartaches.  judo and jiu jitsu challenged me to think outside the scope of what i thought i could do.  i mean shit, i am NOT athletic by any means, and i won medals.  i beat a junior olympian for judo.  i could have gone on to be really great at the rate i was going but then i got hurt and then audrey came along.  and that was a completely different challenge.... being a mom and then being a SINGLE mom.  holy shit that is challenging but im learning about patience and responsibility for someone else's growth and outlook, and LOVE ... REAL MOTHER FUCKING LOVE.  school has challenged me hardcore not just academically but personally believing that i am smart and able to do this.  there is a lot more to me than i have begun to tap into or even realize... and muay thai, this was kind of like another reminder to stick up for myself because no one else will if i dont.  muay thai has challenged me hard in believing in myself and trusting what i know as well.  i doubt myself and have like ZERO confidence and it has taught me that in order to be good and win, i have to have confidence in what ive learned.

what an amazing overall life lesson- you need to have confidence in what you've learned to win.

so with all of the crazy opportunities and adventures ive had so far.... it's nice to step back and see where theyve brought me so far.  and... i think it's time to challenge myself again.... to have confidence in what i've learned and what i continue to learn.  to stand up for what i like because if i dont, no one else will.... and if i wait any longer, i may be too lazy to ever really.

so, im not sure WHEN, but muay thai and my gym fam will be seeing my face even less than my clumsy ass has allowed me to be there.... but i feel like it's for something great... for something my life needs... a stab of adrenaline to the heart to shock me back to a state of existence.  and i cant wait to see what i have to learn this time.