probably gonna be a sad/dark one

i cant for the life of me sleep.  since last thursday i cant sleep for shit.
i am physically, and oh so emotionally drained.
im emotional.  the stupidest things make me cry.
and i say things.  i read more into things than probably exist.
im overwhelmed.

it's fair enough to just say i am completely exhausted.

in trying to stay busy to have the male gender leave me be so i dont get hurt any more, i forgot to leave time for ME- to actually hang out with ME and appreciate myself.

i havent felt this dead in ages.
i would welcome any sort of physical contact to let me know i still exist and im still here.
shit i would welcome stubbing my toe at this point to just feel SOMETHING.

and no, im not "depressed" or whatever... im just... burned out.
in trying so hard to flee pain, i guess i ended up fleeing life.

life is a constant wave of pain and smiles.
you cant just take the good.  you cant just take the bad.
otherwise youre one long flat line on the screen and all that signals is that your heart stopped beating and youre no longer alive...

and maybe thats why i feel barely here.

i did this to myself.
i isolated myself.
i question everything everyone says or does.
all to avoid being hurt.
all to avoid what may or may not happen.
i just assume it will and want to beat life to the punch and end up beating up someone else with pretty genuine intentions.

i wish i could just knock it off.  and it doesnt help having an over-analytical girl brain either.

more than anything i just want family and regardless of whether its blood family or the family i have at the gym or new people i meet that have their own set established ways of existing, i always end up doing something wrong or being myself to bring me back to this place of isolation.

so yeah, i would welcome anything to help me feel human again.
right now i feel like a zombie- not quite fully dead, not quite fully alive.

and you may wonder why the fuck in the great spaghetti monster's name im posting this shit.... i cant say i really know.  but if you got down to this point, you read it.... for whatever reason you read it to the end.

now we both have questions.