Sunday, February 24, 2013

quieting the loud sounds

i woke up early again.  i dont have to be at work until later and i woke up at 830.  normally i'd be angry and grumpy that i couldnt sleep and was "wasting" free hours to catch up on some much needed rest, but... i got up anyway.
i opened the shade and saw the sun shining.  it gave my heart a little smile.

i am not one that can meditate or do yoga for long.  my recent laziness has made me stiff and icky and i can NEVER shut my brain up for very long, if at all.
today tho, my brain immediately shut down and i was in absolute silence, aware of self physically and spiritually.

i thought about how impatient i am.
i always want things to hurry up and be at some final, finished product. 
in this excessive race to the end, i am missing out on so much.

i began to think about a tree.
how small it starts...
and im sure that little sprout stares at all of the huge trees around it wishing it were of that stature and strength.  i bet the little sprout wishes it looked like them and was able to provide for the world around it.  but it cant.  it's a sprout.
it has to endure YEARS of growth.  it has to be fed.  it has to endure various storms of varying strength and temperature.  the brutal they can be.  but that little sprout has to be brave.  it has to find whatever strength it does have that maybe it doesnt know it has and stand amongst gusting winds and torrential downpours.  it has to brave the heat and cold.  when it starts to branch out and has leaves, it then has to endure loss.  YEARS of loss. 
and then, one day, there it is.... a tall, strong tree.  that tiny sprout made it from beginning to end, right?  NOPE.
it still endures loss as seasons change.  it has moments of beauty where its colors are astounding and remarkable.  kids still come by picking at it and breaking off bark and branches.  people threaten to cut it down.  and then the elements and storms.  the extreme heat and cold, the gusting winds, the downpour that sometimes doesnt stop for days on end. 

what im getting at is.... there is no end.  there really IS no finish line.  just when we think we've "made it" and are where we need to be, we are hit with the shocking reality that it's really only just begun.  we are stronger and wiser now, yes, but the tests and trials keep coming.  loss and letting go never stop.  there is always a need for confidence and bravery to face the wildly unpredictable elements.   there are days the sun wont shine.  there are weeks when it feels like the sky will never be another shade but gray.  there are nights when the wind is so fierce and so cold....regardless of your age and size and how long you've been around.... it doesnt stop.  we're never "THERE."  we'll never be at a finish line because it doesnt exist.

this life we are living was made for just that- living.  with living comes growth and change and grief and periods of facing fears and unpredictability.  until death, there will always be lessons to learn. 

the real beauty of this image to me, lies in the real underlying, unnoticed portion.  yes, life is about personal growth and that never stops, but also, we are made to give and be selfless.  think about all the things trees are for- food, shelter for animals, filtering the air for us to breathe, shade from the heat.... to name just a few.  i love the book the giving tree because of the beautiful lesson in the story- give until you think there's nothing left for you to give and still you are able to give more.  all of the journeys and struggles we go through or are going through.... it's not even just about our own personal story and quest through this crazy life.  it's about giving that back. 

this blog is very personal at times and i am very public about it all.  my last post about my struggle with CBED and getting help outside of myself was not easy to post.  im glad i did though.  a number of other females have told me how they are happy i shared because it helped them to realize they aren't alone and no, what they do and how they feel is NOT normal.  and no, that wasnt a sad attempt to pat myself on the back, it's just a case in point that we need to think outside of ourselves and "wah wah i have things im going through."  those struggles and trials are not really just for you.  they arent really even about you.  they're for someone else.  the pain of loss and the elation of growth are self benefiting, but when you have the opportunity to share that with someone else and give to them your hope and triumph and smiles, you dont always realize what you are doing to them.  maybe they needed some shade from the heat.  maybe they needed some branches to make shelter.  you never know how you've helped.

so for a few minutes, the loud sounds were quieted (except for the whining of my cat for attention).  for a few minutes my mind got to shut off and listen to what i needed to hear.  so thank you universe.  thank you for the life lesson that there is no end, no finish line, no "THERE."  it's a constant forward progression of growth and courage and change.  it is a constant test of endurance.  it is an endless cycle of pain and giving.  it is more about giving than self preservation and awareness.  it's more about helping than my own personal "end."  so thank you for the eye opener universe.  life is very much about more than me.

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