Friday, March 1, 2013

"______________________"

the constant feelings of never being good enough, never being liked, never making it, never amounting to anything that anyone could or would be proud of, not making a difference, only adding to the problem, forcing negativity and hate instead of birthing love and harmony, never being enough, failing, always constantly failing, and in this minute that my fingers type what my tired mind is speaking without a break for punctuation or breathing i can only hear the echoing voices of my family from the past when i was around 3 or 4 or 8 or 10 or 15 or even 23.... that im not smart, that im not amounting to anything, that im not talented or special or pretty, that im not good enough, that i dont have talent, that im wasting my time and my money.... i see all the half hearted attempts at things i wanted to do or be and i feel as if those voices are what stopped me from fully believing, from really trying wholeheartedly with my best effort and i wonder if i hadnt had those voices in my brain where i might be now
and so the thoughts slow right now as background noise distracts me and my eyes are drooping an hour before i need to leave for my shift...

where would i be if i didnt bow and cower to all the naysayers?
what would i have become if i didnt believe them?
is there a real reason why now of all times i am becoming aware to all of this?

deep breath....
breathe....
now is now for a reason.
all i can do is take what ive been through, take what ive experienced, take what i know and use it... fight for the underdog, fight for the weak, fight for the tired, inspire, create, and believe.... lift up the beaten down, fill minds and lives with positivity and encouragement......
maybe my journey has been all it has so far to break someone's cycle before it's too late...

maybe ill never know the impact i make on someone's life
maybe ill never know what my scars and sad stories have done for someone else, but.... all i can do is put myself out there, stand up for the voiceless, and be the me im learning exists.

i cant wait for the day when i can stare all of the negative voices in the eyes and tell them to shut the fuck up and they will know the authority in my voice and run screaming.... that day is coming.  i feel like im finally taking positive measures and steps to get there.  im tired of fighting a losing battle being ill equipped because im too arrogant and proud to ask for help.

HUMILITY is not a bad word.
in fact, it is the most beautiful word i have ever heard.
it is a word that is changing and shaping the very life i assumed was something so bleak and worthless.
sometimes a hand of help is all it takes to get you going again.... and ive hit the ground running with no signs of tiring or stopping.....

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