Tuesday, March 26, 2013

i am my own worst enemy...

... that phrase...
it kept on repeating in my head while i ran.
no music.
too clumsy to try to look at the tv while i ran at a speed much faster than normal.
alone with my thoughts, staring at my sweaty, red-faced self in the wall mirror.
how flattering.

but the downgrading thoughts of inability and the magnitude of fatigue hit me like mack trucks at every half mile interval...
and i realized that...
i convince myself that it is ok to cave and to quit.
i convince myself that im far less than what i really am.
i convince myself that "can't" and "don't" are acceptable vocabulary words.

what is worst of all is that I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!!
i SUBSCRIBE to it.
i listen to its daily podcast while i drink my evening scotch in my cozy armchair with dim lighting and a chocolate lab at my feet.

i mean.. seriously?
who actually enjoys living in a world where your self is made to be something so miniscule and insignificant?
who actually enjoys believing that they are less than everyone around them simply due to lack of recognition?

apparently i do?  or did?

it's bullshit.
it's absolute bullshit to wallow in that muck.
it's absolute bullshit to sell myself out to some cutting and manipulative bitch with daggers for words and bloody gums.

yes, she may appear bigger than me but...
it's all just a state of mind.
its all just a bit of perception.

what if in reality she isn't a 50 foot giant and IM actually the one towering over her, but because i see myself as 3 feet tall, that is how i act and that is what is...?

yeah maybe i sound loopy.
im fucking exhausted, i cant sleep, and my mind is racing.
im so sick of this self that i lead with.
it isnt me and it isnt right.

i am capable of far more than i let myself believe and it KILLS ME.
it kills me to realize all of the missed chances and opportunities because i believed the fears that said i would fail and fuck up and ruin everything.
it kills me to see all the places i should be right now but because i told myself over and over that i wasn't good enough to, i didnt.

the concept of buddhism that i appreciate the most is living in the now.
no, i dont agree with ALL of their ideology but that is a religious discussion and that is neither here nor there nor about anything im on a rambling spree for.

but the now.
now is all i have.
there is no guarantee for anything other than now.
i need to make the most of now.
of course there arent enough hours in the day for all that i want to do RIGHT NOW, but it is understanding that if something presents itself to the magnitude and quantity of shit i have turned down because i didnt believe in myself.... i cant do that anymore, unless i like sitting in a dimly lit room, in a cozy little arm chair, with my scotch and chocolate lab, listening to the droning voice tell me how little and incapable i am.
eh, while i do love some good liquor, a sedated dog, and a cozy chair..... no thank you.

so, while my current now needs to be filled with sleep, tomorrow is a now i fully intend to take by the hand and run with.

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