Saturday, March 23, 2013

the endurance of waiting...

i totally get bubs sometimes.
im impatient too.
actually, im super glad i have her cos she is teaching me everything i need to know to keep going.
it's funny what a 3 year old can do to you.
she teaches me that i need to be patient.
she teaches me that i need to let go of responsibilities and just be silly and LAUGH.
holy shit, laughter.
i think as we age, we sometimes get so caught up in bills and work and being something people expect of us that we forget to laugh until we hurt....or until we pee our pants.
i remember this one day we were at the playground and this hill was covered in leaves and i just rolled down the hill laughing my ass off.  the sound of it shocked my own ears.  i'd forgotten what that sound was really like.  and then bubs followed suit and the laughter was infectious and we were two giggling, leaf covered ninnies.

life gets so hard sometimes though.
you put effort and hope into things and into people and situations and they don't pan out how you expect.  your hopes are shattered and your cold, bitter heart shuts up for a while again and you have to learn to start all over from square one.  so many people hide out in that cold, dark cave of despair and just... give up.

maybe all this life is meant for is to teach us patience.
maybe we will spend our whole lives hoping and waiting and watching for the signs that things are going to finally go the way we want and imagine.  maybe life is just a test of endurance. 
life often gets compared to a race... a marathon or something if you will.
and i have to say, since ive been running lately, holy shit those quotes about endurance hit home.
there are so many times i see how far i have to go and my brain just goes, "UGHHHHHH."  my first thought is to turn the speed down and just walk the rest of the way on the treadmill. 
then a little nudge in the back of my head says, "kel, selling yourself short again?  go.  look how far you've gotten already!!  you can do it!  keep going!  the end isn't far off and you'll see how good you feel..." 
needless to say on a good day, i make it all the way through and yeah, i feel amazing.  i can look and see an improved time sometimes, but mostly, that i finished.

maybe all we are meant to do is endure and wait and hope.  maybe the wait is going to be a long time... and maybe our life is meant to encourage others along the way to reach their own finish line. 
life gets SO hard.  we live in a society of instantaneous satisfaction and if our 4G speed is less than that or our microwaves arent going as fast as our hunger is dictating... we get super impatient and angry and flustered. 

there's a beauty in patience and in waiting.  there's a beauty that just bludgeoned the most impatient person on the planet over the head...(that would be me).
there is more to life than that ONE thing that we're after.
if we spend so much time looking directly at the object of our admiration, the prize that we seek out to win.... we are missing out on so much more.
there are people around us.
beautiful people with stories and wounds and thoughts and feelings.
people with abilities and ideas so far outside the concept of our own understanding.
there is beauty in nature and art and film and music and just natural sounds.
there is so much more than what we WANT.
and maybe the endurance is to teach us to stop and look around and see how small our desires are compared to the bigger scope of things.

so yes, impatience.... it's very real and holy shit does it suck to wait.
but sometimes the best gifts are the unexpected.
sometimes inspiration comes from what normally has gone unnoticed.
maybe this test of endurance is merely to open our eyes to what life really is supposed to be- a whole lot more than us.

so yeah just some late night rambles and it is most likely due to medical grade cleaner that i am unintentionally inhaling.
thank you job.

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