Friday, March 1, 2013

the guilt cycle

i said i would take you (whatever figurative or literal "YOU" im talking to) on my journey through the world of CBED and all the other things that therapy is revealing.

well, today.... today was really really bad.
yesterday i had no desire to really eat beyond any normal amounts, i felt pretty great, hung out with people, and all around the day was what i assume "normal" should be.
today tho.... some unknown stressor began to pick at me and my anxiety levels began to rise.  with each wave of anxiety, my legs found their way to the kitchen. 

the thing about CBED that most don't understand, is that sometimes it's not even a conscious behavior.  sometimes i sit back down to my homework or whatever and im like "wait a minute.... when did i eat THAT?"

then, by recapping my day of binging, i feel guilty and horrible and disgusting.  that sparks another wave of anxiety and.... yeah the guilt cycle rages on.

i see my therapist again on tuesday night and really hope we take some more time focusing on this. 
also i have a gym membership now and am attempting to wake up in time to meet up with a trainer tomorrow to set a schedule for me to work out.  maybe the anxiety will subside if i am running my stress away.

so yeah, today was an epic fail. 
tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a bit more controlled than today.

compulsion is a horrible thing, especially with compulsive binge eating.
again, it sucks cos half the time i dont even REALIZE im doing it and then when i do i feel guilty for so many reasons aside from even like the whole "omg im fat" bullshit most girls spew.  most often i feel guilty cos a large population of people have ZERO to eat and im like using food as an anti-anxiety agent.  it's like sleepwalking or something.

but yes, tomorrow... im going to try to wake up after my overnite to get to the gym during staffed hours and going on finding a release for my anxiety.  hopefully meeting with my therapist will help to pinpoint that major stressor that causes me to flip the switch and become a fridge zombie.

im taking the right steps to combat this shit and hopefully soon i can get healthy mentally and physically. 

i dont think anyone will ever really know or understand how horrible this eating disorder really is unless theyre in it.  it's not just eating out of boredom or eating to overindulge.  it is this horrible cycle of guilt and this oppressive behavior that is outside of your control.  at least that's how it feels - out of control.  i know i can beat this but for right now... today's been a really bad day and i am hoping i can get to a place where this is not the ruling factor over my life and  mind.

there's so much more to me than i know that is being dictated by negative thoughts and imagery of self compiled with a compulsion you do not understand....

so dear reader, sigh, one day at a time regardless if it was successful or not, right?  :(

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