so i went to therapy again today.
the whole ride over i had shit in my brain i was chewing on that i was all set to discuss.
i get there and she has a different idea.
this other therapist that had sat in on a session once who specializes in ADHD was doing something called "soul collaging" and she wanted to know if i was game for that today instead.
um arts and crafts for an hour? fuck YES i was down.
so, this lady showed me a few examples of what she'd done and then there was this paper where you had to answer certain questions about what the art was saying to you... like what did it mean and deeper shit than gluing paper together.
so, i started cutting up magazines and the chit chat began.
i kind of was like mindlessly cutting things but i knew EXACTLY what i needed apparently.
without realizing it, i had made 2 collages (pictures to come at a later time) and had pretty much told my life story to this woman without realizing it.
sneaky sneaky bastard!
what was really even MORE astounding though, was that without realizing it or intending to, my collage was everything i had been wanting to discuss today and start working through.
funny how the subconscious works and processes when in the right environment.
and i started thinking AGAIN, about how surrounding yourself with the "wrong" people really hinders your personal growth and stops you from doing things you like to do.
i have two hefty books of collages that i kept from back in the day when art and music really WERE my self-appointed therapies. i had cut up national geographics from the 70s up until now and some other various magazines and had like a gigantic file folder full of words and scenery and some pretty fucked up shit. i threw it all away except for the finished products a while ago because, that was not something J liked and i gave up my whole self for J. even before J that part of me started slipping because i was never dubbed "artistic" or "creative." i was a kid with glue sticks and cut up magazines making a "mess."
somehow just sitting and chit chatting and cutting things up... i mean seriously she was like "i need to make a copy of this but the copier is broken so you can have it back next week." she marveled at how beneath these pictures, there was an underlying flow of color that seamlessly blended unintentionally.
it is kind of sad how i threw my whole self away for others, simply because i was wanting some form of acceptance and didnt find myself to be "enough" to hang around artists and musicians.
this is why im so so glad i have met the people i have met lately and love meeting even more new people. from what ive seen so far, they are welcoming and accepting, they give a shit, they are AMAZINGLY creative in art and music and promotions, they are smart and like nerdy things, and they all have a story to tell and don't mind telling it. i think that is my favorite part. i feel like the ones that recognize that they have some bullshit in their past and some issues in their present and face it head on and live to tell the story after or during ... those are people i want to be around. the ones that bring you to life simply by just being themselves and knowing who they are.
for so long i spent my time around people too afraid to be themselves and in turn, that fear was instilled in me. and the beauty of it all is that was pretty much the essence of this collage.... light, eyes, a veil, hands, and some words i cant quite remember now (space cadet brain for life).
i remember knowing EXACTLY where everything was to fit and how at peace i felt with rubber cement, scissors, and some cardstock.
it's a lovely thing to embrace your struggles, embrace your life as imperfect as it may be, and just to live anyway. the more you fight against it, the harder the struggle becomes and the more enclosed in your own personal hell you get. no one wants to live there and that negativity and stress spreads like a terminal disease.
the most glorious thing about art is that it takes on SO many forms.
and understanding how ADHD works and how people with ADHD think and function has also helped me to begin just accepting myself, noticing when some moods hit, and now, HAVING TOOLS to know how to help that. pens, paper, glue sticks and magazines, flour, butter, and sugar, a guitar and a capo... i have all of these amazing outlets to explore and put my bursts of energy or surges of anxiety to a productive use. and that excites me.
it excites me to be around people that use that center of their brain as well and understand and know and are as transparent as i am learning to be.
so anyway, this collage...
it was all about perception... in fact, that was one of the words on it. and something about conflict.
whether people want to admit it or not, everyone wants to be accepted for who they really are. the real them that they dont show to anyone. for so long i hid that person in fear. fear of rejection and solitude. fear of being misheard and misunderstood.
but we all have struggle.
we all seek an identity for ourselves.
we all want to be heard.
we all want to be loved for the little mess that maybe we are.
im not alone in those thoughts.
im not alone in those wants.
the more we try to fight it, the more skewed our perception of others gets, the more alone we feel, and the more conflict (internal and external) we end up having.
moral of the story friends....
it's ok to accept yourself, mess and all, because youre not the only one.
we all have hands and eyes and feet.
we're all on a dimly lit path to somewhere, hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel telling us that we've done well and are on our way to bigger and brighter.
we all really truly do want the same thing.
again, this is why i appreciate the amazing people ive met recently.
it's honestly been a huge help in just accepting myself and also seeing myself in a new light.
the things i used to do that sparked the creative side of my brain that brings clarity and peace from the ever racing and pressing thoughts i have... theyre resurfacing and im finding solace and comfort in them. and for the first time in a really long time, i feel like a real person. im not ashamed to say that for my 30th bday i want to have a field day and play kickball and fly kites and blow bubbles. im not ashamed to admit that i have a few dinosaurs and legos that i do in fact like to play with. im not ashamed to admit that yeah, i get super afraid of things and have feelings.
so yeah friends.... be careful who you surround yourself with and dont stifle yourself or your outlets for anyone else because it's misunderstood. that's foolish. why lose yourself for people? if they dont like the real you, theyre not really worth investing time into anyway. we're all the same. regardless of title and social status.. we are all frail beings that want love and acceptance and a way to share who we are with the world around us. i think im finding my way again...