im taking a moment to sit my sweaty ass on my bed that has sheets that need to be washed anyway to take a brief minute to ... well... DEbrief.
ive been making a lot of changes to my life lately. mostly having to do with the way i think and the way i view myself. becoming more aware of the voices and thoughts that i am listening to and weeding out the lies from the truth.
it's hard tho.
it's hard when you've had so much outside perspective tell you that you are one way and your insides are fighting those voices because they don't want to believe it but eventually, you get weak, cave, and have this very skewed perception of yourself that isn't true.
life is all about the people you surround yourself with, and, no offense to anyone in particular, i have not been always surrounding myself with the right people. (im getting better tho and really thankful to all the new friends i have made and people i am continuing to meet.)
going to therapy, even just for two sessions so far, has helped me realize that sadly, i was just conditioned to a way of thought and belief about myself that wasn't true. some of that comes from family, and not being encouraged growing up, had a lot to do with my current psyche. also, being the chubby new kid nearly every year cos we moved around so much growing up, probably wasn't helpful either. i never thought much about myself and didn't believe i was smart or pretty or funny or interesting or could do much of anything.
that is NO way to live life.
im here for a purpose and a reason and while i may not know what it is yet, there is one.
so it started with splitting with J.
it also started with going back to school in a field i thought i was too stupid for previously.
so now... now i see someone once a week and we talk.
just sitting there talking out loud, i can hear how foolish and degrading a lot of my self talk really is. i can see how i over-process and enlarge the most miniscule things.
today i went to meet with a personal trainer and get a fitness assessment as part of my 30 day trial to a gym. yeah i trained jiu jitsu and did some muay thai and judo, but because everyone was always better than me and had more time to devote to training and even OUTSIDE training, i never thought i was any good and didn't think much of myself. also, having a kid and growing up the chubby kid doesn't do wonders for your self image if youre a girl.
but to read on paper my body fat %, my BMI, to get weighed, to have my cardio and strength assessed.... im actually in quite better shape than i thought. to have a person who spent time to understand body composition and health and fitness let me know im strong and capable and have great endurance too was really reassuring. then came time to setting goals, and i was surprised to hear how REALISTIC mine were.
for the first time it's not about some bullshit number on a scale and in my jeans that im after. for the first time i just want to be healthy. i want my outsides and insides to be in complete sync with each other and it is DO-ABLE!
i also made a goal by end of august/early sept to run a 5k. mind you when i set this goal on paper i had no idea how many miles that was and the trainer said, "instead of focusing on a time, let's just say that in 90 days, you can complete it."
well, that wasn't good enough for competitive me. after i was dismissed, i hopped on the treadmill and started to go.... granted, yes, my time was awful, but i guessed while i was going that a 5k was about 3 miles (after i googled it and saw it was close to 3.2, so i wasnt far off)... and i did it! horrible time, but i completed it.
i short change myself horribly.
after i got off the treadmill, sweaty and out of breath, i took a minute to step back and give myself a high five. every time i wanted to quit running (i actually RAN most of it!), i took a deep breath and realized i could keep going. it was like this inner war where i got some more ammo and took a shot at the negative army in my brain and killed another soldier. it is actually so personally empowering to see how horrible my thoughts were toward myself and to watch the lies dissipate and the truth emerge.
so im actually amazingly excited about the steps im taking to change my thought pattern.
im excited for what this can do for me personally, yes, but also for the better impact i can have on the people around me as well. it's actually really sad how we beat ourselves up MERCILESSLY and NEEDLESSLY... DAILY!
moral of the story friends, be kind to yourself.
it isn't wrong to love and encourage yourself at all.
yes a large ego is disgusting, but just to know that you can do more than you think and to speak positive words- it makes a HUGE difference on how you act.
so take a minute today and give yourself a high five.
think outside of the scope of how you usually see yourself.
youre probably a lot better and stronger and more capable than you really know or realize.
sometimes it just takes the deep breath, collecting your thoughts and oxygen, and seeing that you pushed yourself just a bit farther than you thought you could and realizing that those self-limiting thoughts were nothing more than lies and bullshit.