simply... it's beautiful

so i have a fascination with space.
not to the point where i know galaxies and stars and real scientific shit.
it's a fascination that is simply an intense admiration.
i look up at the infinite expansion of dark, beautifully and intricately decorated with stars and...
i feel so small.  but small in an amazing way.  i feel awake yet finite.
it's a small reminder that ... well, im small.
so often i take the smallest hiccup in life and turn it into some earthshattering, soulcrushing weight...
when it's really the size of a pebble... and just.... get lost.

but it's that bad kind of lost.
the kind of lost where you need to get home before it's useless to get any sleep and youre not enjoying your predicament and your phone is dead and you have no means of gps so you're driving aimlessly to some sort of interstate only to find you drove 45 minutes north of where you need to be.... equalling no sleep.

the small i mean comes from a different kind of lost... the lost i mean lost where you are so captivated by sight and sound and the overwhelming complexity of existence.  where your mind is so full and amazed that it simply can not hold another bit more... and you shut your eyes and revel at something you just learned that didn't come from another person's findings or research, and wasn't another man's opinion.... it was an awakening all on your own.  and it was beautiful.

life lately has been full of those brief moments where my mind is so overwhelmed with awe that i have to shut my eyes just to keep it in and hold onto the little bit i have just gained.  then there are days, like today, where my brain is all askew with the unraveling and undone and my mind tailspins at illegal speeds down a dark rabbit hole of illogical conclusions and fun house mirrors... i hate those things- always distorting and horrifying the truth.  but that's another issue i have....

anyway, days like today- i had to take a step back and lose myself... lose  myself in the shocking reality (i type that as sarcastically as i would be saying it) that the world is bigger than ME.  my problems and issues and worries and chaos- it is so small in comparison to all that is going on around me.  it is a fraction of a fragment of the greater whole.

sometimes you need to take a step back and see...
and again, it's being awake...
before i thought i saw everything how it was and is and that was that.
and it was ugly.
life wasn't very enjoyable and i didnt really like living it.
then there came this moment where it was as if my mind became aroused from some hibernating sleep, turned on, and in it was the most blinding light.  suddenly things made sense.  suddenly the world turned on and i saw it and though situations on it were horrible, outside of all of that... in and of itself, the world is remarkable and intricate and complex and detailed and simply... it's beautiful.

not to say im going to play passive ignorance to injustice or personal responsibilities, but... that consumption of pain and self and despair... the world is bigger than that and sometimes stepping back to appreciate it and see it for what it is, it's like that push to keep going.  sure, some shit may be super wrong and ugly, but it has the potential to be beautiful and amazing and it can get there.  there's little reminders of how beautiful life is all over.  it's just about stopping, stepping outside of yourself, and seeing them.

i need to do that more.  it makes me feel my kind of normal.