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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

the last night

so i sit on a bare mattress cos my stupid ass picked the latest hour to attempt doing all of the goddamn laundry.
im in whatever smelly clothes i remembered to not pack, surrounded by boxes and bits of dry wall from where my roommate and i tried to finagle my horribly put together bed frame down the narrow, low ceilinged stairway.
i poked my head in bubs' room.  i remember being 6 months pregnant and just moving in.  i remember seeing hope and potential in these walls.  i remember feeling bright and optimistic about my new future.

alas, as life usually turns out, it was quite the opposite of what id hoped.
instead of family there was "FUCK YOU."  instead of beauty there was "BITCH."

sitting in this empty room reminds me that this was no place to call home.
i never liked being here.
i never decorated.
i never took care of the yard cos there were so many fucking plants and i kill everything without meaning to.
i never FULLY unpacked and settled in.
i never felt like i belonged.

so, after 3 break-ins, an ex moving out and a roommate moving in.... it's time to go.
it's time to not have an overwhelming garden and 900 trees and bushes on my property.
it's time to not be responsible for the maintenance and upkeep of a property while trying to work, go to school, keep up with homework, and single parent a 3 year old.
it's time to start over.

normally, i am the person that needs to know everything.
i get anxious if i dont know where things are going.
i just like preparing myself for best and worst case scenario at the same time.
well....
i used to.

lately a friend has taught me to go with the breeze and although i have my flip out moments of overwhelming stress, i can honestly say.... i dont know, and i dont care.

i feel like i have a chance to start over, to be safe, for new things to happen and new people to come into contact with.
i feel like i can decorate and have a place to call home.
i can have a record player and no tv.
i can paint whatever colors i want.
i can be loud.
i can have privacy.
i can play music next to a big open window or on the deck in my backyard or next to the firepit in my backyard.
i have someone to call when things break and i dont have to pay for it.
i have a place to call home and i like it.

so now, surrounded by boxes, remnants of tape, scattered dust bunnies and bobby pins.... i write this last blog entry from the place i lived for 3 years.  the place where bubs took her first steps, said her first words, and taught me about love and life and REALLY living.  the place where i gained the courage to say "I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ME" and faced the cold reality of being on my own as a working parent in school.  the place where i learned how to fix plumbing issues, change an air filter, and even where i bludgeoned a mouse to death with a bottle of dishwasher soap.  the place where i mowed my first lawn and trimmed my first tree.  the place where i had to grow up and learn that im capable.

so good bye old house and hello possibilities.
i dont know if anyone will come visit my new house.
i dont know if i will unpack by july.
i just know i feel a little bit more home there than i do here and that's a good enough sign and start for me.

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