im sorry for the scary things inside of my brain but this is me ... for now.

i really wish it would all just dissipate into the vast blackness of the night sky.
the thoughts are so so loud again.
if i wrote them all down you would probably find me insane and check me into a hospital.
the fact that im aware how awful they are and how wrong is ok for a little bit, but...
im a soldier with a gaping hole in my armour and no weapon for attack.
im standing at the battleline with a napkin and wearing a dress.
ill prepared for what is going on.
all i have are these words.
these half-assed attempts at making sense of what i want to be rid of.

i hate that i cant just walk into a room and feel like i can have happy times or at least blend into some piece of furniture around me.
no.
instead i hear voices saying how much they hate me, eyes that burn holes right through me with stares so murderous, smiles masking canibalistic urges to tear me apart...

i wish i didnt see the people around me as vicious, carnivorous beasts out for my blood.
people care and give a shit about my well being and shit, even about my bubs and i cant see that.
i see walls that ive built because trusting people can care about me is scary.
what's scarier still is that i dont even understand why a person would even give a shit about me or bubs anyway...

and therein lies the heart of it all.
maybe i see monsters because i live in that realm.
i live in the realm of dark and scary and surfacing to the light of day where people smile and laugh and are careless is so foreign to me.
but that is where i want to be.
away from it all.
away from all of this.