it just is what it is

this concept i am struggling so hard to embrace is just letting life happen.
im used to structure and schedule, always having an end to the scattered pieces.
i struggle and fight so much from not knowing.

but so much beauty comes from waiting.
there's a subtle admiration of scenery and ... time to listen.
so much good can come from just listening.
listening to what is being said and not what you are only hearing.

of course the only analogy i can relate this to is baking.
but if you rush cupcakes, they are gooey and soggy and not at all what they are meant to be.
they take time.
if you stand at the oven just staring through that small window... time never passes and you hastily keep opening the door causing heat to escape, thus lengthening the time they need.

i dont know why i cant seem to get it some days.
why i just have this urge to know what is going to happen before it does.
maybe i fear the fall and the pain associated with it.

but in all honesty, sometimes you just have to jump.
jump and let go.
let the breeze take you where it may.
feel the wind beneath your outstretched arms and the warmth of sunlight on your face.
even just thinking about that creates the most amazing calm inside of me to a point where i can just close my eyes and...breathe...
no more tension.
no more fear.
no more hopeless defeat.
just weightless .... absorbed weightlessness.

some days it makes sense to me.
i dont fear the unknown or potential loss.
i can take the tiny moments that have occurred and love that they happened not expecting anything less or more.
it just is what it is.
it happened.
it was.
and it was beautiful.
other days, especially the sleepless ones, my brain races and scrambles and tries to piece together this imaginary puzzle. 
it makes shadows and shapes unbeknown to human kind creating a sense of worry.
these ungodly sharp images....
they haunt and harass.

so, it's time to again for this tired mind to jump.
to make the conscious effort to jump.
to let go of what i want and hope for and let life just be what it may.
to accept the little smiles that come.
they arent earned or deserved or wished or hoped.
they just are.
just little momentary smiles that came and may or may not happen again.
they are sentences in my vast and ever lengthening story.
and one day, if i continue to let life just do what it may and let the breeze carry me along with no resistance... no scrambling effort to dig my fingers into the pavement.... who knows... i may have a beautifully, exciting story to share.