dirty digging hands

i fight and repress and battle and regress.
finally the weight is too much and i collapse.
finally i put a hand up in surrender and find an offer of help.
a promise that im ok and acceptable and "normal."

for so long i have been made to feel wrong for what i have thought and felt and knew to be myself.
it's been harmful generalizations and plagerized symbolism.

"weird."
"has issues."
"depressed."
"strange."
"insane."
"nuts."
"awkward."
and simply, "too much."

i will never forget the most valuable thing that has been resounding in my mind through evidence too apparent to ignore:
who you are is all about the people you surround yourself with.

taking a step back it pains me to realize that i have forever been surrounding myself with absolutely the wrong people.
anyone that would use these words in association with my person is not a friend, is not family, and is not a helpful energy to be around.

so now, at 29, i am finding that i have been buried beneath unresolved conflicts, feelings i was taught were wrong and to be ignored, and situations i was instructed to disassociate from.

so i go to see someone to talk to once a week.
ive been learning about adhd and the neurobiological aspects behind it.
and it's eye opening.

not even just that, but piecing together the domino effect of emotional scenarios i tucked away under various rugs, brushing crumbs and remnants into every possible corner...

i feel like there is so much necessary digging that needs to happen.
and yeah, sometimes the ground is hard and uncooperative.
sometimes you hit roots and rock and debris that dont want to budge.
sometimes there are creepy crawlies that make you scream like a small girl.
but to know what im digging for... to be able to see it within my grasp, just a few more feet to go...

i see this dirty face and dirty hands in a small puddle at my side.
it looks ugly and horrid and my hair's a mess and my eyes are bloodshot and my face just reads EXHAUSTED.

but i see what's been buried underneath for so long and i want to reach it.
letting go of all of these things that have stopped me from being who im meant to be is painful and taxing and hard and tiring.
some days i would rather ignore the work ahead of me and just settle.
but then again ive never really been one to quit.

being around the right people is inspiring.
creative, honest, REAL people, unashamed of struggle and issues and flaws....
it inspires me to find out what's really been buried underneath all this shit for so long- beyond the limited line of sight that i have.

i feel like the forces of nature are against me right now though.
the more i push and dig, the more shit floats to the surface and the more hiccups i have along the way.
suddenly the city wants permits for my giant hole and dirt mound and then comes the tedious chore of paperwork and fines to sort out.

but if i let every hiccup continue to hold me down like an ugly desk paperweight, ill be nothing more than fragmented bits of a greater whole.... a jigsaw puzzle with gaps and spaces because out of 500 pieces, only 423 are actually there.

i want to be able to step back and see the big picture one day.
to know i made it.
to know who i really am and what im really about.

yes, my muscles are sore, my mind is fried, and i look about as appealing as a corpse pre-morgue.
and yes, it's painful pulling up these roots.
the tearing sound of their grasp finally being let go from the earth they clung so tightly to is comparable to the horrified screams of war casualties.

but this shit... this muck... this debris... this glorified cover up... it doesnt belong there.
so as tired as i am, as much as i really want to ignore the work ahead of me, i have to keep going.
child-like curiosity for what's really there... to be able to hold it touch it and explore it...
i anticipate and crave and yearn for what i can barely see.

so thank you to the people i can call family and can call friends.
to the ears that listen and the mouths that speak.
to the arms that hug and the doors that open.
to the thinkers and dream chasers and the realest of real souls that are inspired and inspire.
youve given me a breath of air to fill these lungs to just push to the finish line however many miles off it really is.

and when i find out what's there... i cant wait to thank you some more.