the overwhelming alone

maybe it's psychosis or narcisism.  maybe im on a world of sleep medication and can't think straight.  maybe it's cos my life is so consumed with making sure im always doing things for others i dont really understand how comforting alone can  really be. 

i have this horribly overwhelming feeling of being alone.
no one texts or calls.
no one tweets or facebook's me asking me whats up or how i am or if i want to hang out. 
im expected to invite myself along but then i just feel like a bother and not a friend.
i can honestly say i never really had any actual friends.
it's sad but at this point in my adult life, i am starting to realize that my life has been an endless pool of sad stories. 
but who wants to read sad things.... wait... this is MY blog.... welp, enjoy this sad story again if you feel like it's ok to read any further:

so friends.
it's a foreign concept to me.
it's like the same thing with dating a guy for me... im ok for a few months and then i do something i suppose that turns people off and away.
right now i sit surrounded by boxed up memories of a very emotional 3 years. 
everyone else i know is out and about and im sitting with boxes.
i feel like the world races on around me and happy memories are formed every instant that im not around.
and it's this overwhelming feeling of being alone.
some people are good with alone.
im not.
it makes my heart actually feel a pang of ache.

again, i think it's cos im always around people but doing things FOR them, that i never get that ability to genuinely enjoy any of my interactions.  i crave that feeling more than anything.
and then i find people that i respect and appreciate knowing and, like with my dating life, say or do something not right and off they go.  and it's overwhelming to feel so alone.
sometimes you just want someone to call you because a smell in a bar reminded them of wet chipotle fart and they thought youd think its funny.

i dont know i cant say that i know what that kind of love feels like to get.  and if people ARE showing that to me then i really wish i could know and understand it.  it sounds amazing.

so yeah... boxes.
i feel that is all i do.  pack up and move.  switch social groups as quickly as i skip jobs or apartments or hobbies.  i just ... all but one time, i have never gotten that feeling of belonging or knowing that im doing something im supposed to do.  i want to have that.  i want to find where i fit but endlessly i come to the conclusion that i am gonzo in muppets from space.  i mean yeah at the end he finds his kind which is what i hope for, but there's this deep void just wanting to know where you belong and who you are. 

and maybe this is normal and it never goes away- that questioning ache inside of the depths of your inner self... at your wit's end, hair between your fingers, violently attempting to pull the folicles from your scalp, doubled over on the floor.  it hurts so much tho.  it hurts to miss a place you don't know and people you've never met.  it hurts when you feel like maybe you found it but in reality, it was all in your head and you're not what you thought you were.... the rug pulled out from under your feet and down you go through the floorboards to a concrete demise yards below.

so yes, this is what alone feels like... the overwhelming alone that is slowly taking me over.