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Sunday, October 7, 2012

clean house

my ex is finally coming to get the rest of his things.
we're not angry anymore at each other which is nice.
i thought hell might have frozen over because he and i conversed as actual humans with no doors slamming or yelling or scowling on friday.
it helps me to understand that i need patience.
time is really necessary for change.
i am possibly the most impatient person on planet earth.
i hate waiting.
maybe it's the culture of microwaves and internet that i am a part of.
in fact, i get mad at my crockpot, aka SLOW COOKER for not making food faster sometimes.
even with school, i am graduating a quarter later and i was IRATE at first, but then i just realized maybe i wouldnt be ready when i was supposed to.
maybe the extra 3 months is essential for my own personal growth and development.

maybe i need to carry this lesson out to other aspects of my life.
maybe things wouldn't be ready if they were not given adequate time and space to foster and grow as necessary.
like apple picking.
or any sort of harvesting.
if you pluck it too early, it's not at its best.

maybe time will make things better.

i used to hate time and waiting and space.
but now i realize how important it is.
maybe waiting doesn't mean sitting around with these false hopes and expectations.
maybe waiting and space are just taking your journey one step further and focusing on something else for a while.
maybe my patience will be rewarded in the end, and maybe it is a reward that i have no idea of.

the point is, i'm not ready.
i'm not ready for what i think im ready for.
i dont know myself as well as i would like to think or imagine.
there's more for me than i realize and hope for.

maybe my focus was in the wrong place and the current turn of events was a jostle back to reality.
maybe i ran head first into yet another one of my pseudo brick walls that i am ever so talented at doing.
maybe i just need to keep walking this wall to find the door.
there's gotta be one somewhere.
i'll just have to wait and see.
but not the waiting where im staring at the crockpot hungrily, but the waiting where i just keep walking and looking and seeing.

maybe youre on the other side.  maybe youre not.
time will tell.

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