Thursday, October 25, 2012

the continuing search

through movies and tv shows and even just examples around us we are taught to believe that happiness comes from being with someone else.  we are taught to value and strive for these romantic relationships to find value and wholeness.  very rarely is there any emphasis on SELF.
we are taught that to love oneself or focus on oneself is SELFish.  the word 'self' gets this terrible meaning when really, it can actually be quite valuable.

being a single mom owning a very old house sucks.  i have to say i have invested way too much money in exterminators because of mice, repairs, yard tools, and other tools and items for "fix it" projects around the house.  last winter i had a really bad mouse problem and freaked out horribly.  i had my ex come back here to help fix things .... every LITTLE thing.  i was too afraid to try, too afraid to just face shit and do it.  well, last nite the little rodent bastards struck again and i found mouse turds in the kitchen.  i have to say i am quite pleased with how much ive grown in a year.  granted, yes, i am still horribly disgusted and freaked out, but i knew what to do, called the exterminator right away, took the flashlight out and went hunting.  (didn't find anything tho.)  i cleaned the basement by myself.  i changed the air filter for the furnace by myself.  i put audrey's big kid bed together by myself.  i have resolved some minor plumbing issues by myself.

the point is, i am learning to be strong by MYSELF.  this waste of time spent hunting and searching down this perfect person who can be there is kind of futile to me right now.  if i can do these things by myself, i don't really need anyone.  not to say im a hermit that hates all people!  i love making new friends and getting to be around other adults.  it's great and amazing.  but this quest for "love" or whatever bullshit we are fed to pinhole our vision on.... it's so wasteful to me right now.  conquering fears and taking control of situations on my own, learning to enjoy who i am as a person and even just learning who i AM as a person.... that is what is important.  i didn't know i was capable of so much before.  and that's just here at home.  at school i am learning to do things that always freaked me out (and sometimes still do).  i have potential i haven't even thought of noticing before and strength inside of me i never knew was there.  although it would be nice to have someone around sometimes, im really liking alone time and i never thought i would.  maybe this self reliance will bite me in the ass eventually because i honestly don't know how to let anyone do anything nice for me ever, but honestly, if i NEVER find my dorky robot boy and am surrounded by amazing friends of both genders the rest of my life and my amazing little miss A, i can honestly say (which i NEVER thought i would), that i would be completely fine and ok with that. 

i think im finally growing up.

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