i wish i had one of those brains. one of those seemingly sane brains that all of my friends seem to possess. one of those brains where logic overtakes irrational thought patterns. where the reasonable and sensible seem to reign supreme over the uprising of selfishness and paranoid stupidity.
i wish.
every time something good pokes its head into my life, be it a person, money, good luck, a new camera or something..... misery pokes its ugly head in and there comes reality in the rear and .... POP! that delightfully glorious bubble of mine is destroyed. the few moments or months i have in sheer bliss and smiles is gone forever. it's no wonder im not trusting, which is where im sure this paranoid stupidity was conceived.
and maybe i just say too much. maybe my feelings are all exposed and on the line and out there. maybe my honesty is just a tad bit too frightening because the rest of the world knows what i know: lying, cheating, misery, compromise, and unhappiness.
for some reason i think im better than the norm. for some reason i think i can outdo and outrun this nonsense. i think that i am somehow above this trend amongst humanity.
maybe i am. maybe i could be if someone was just as fearless as me.
and this is where im stuck oh friend whose eyes are trying to grasp and hang onto whatever nonsense my fingers are flying away with. im stuck. im stuck between a pseudo heaven and a very real hell. i can hear the moans of misery, the hissing and distrusting words, the sobs and tears of every broken hearted friend of mine on one side. the other side has every song ive ever loved to hear, every smell that has had my knees buckle in sheer anticipation, every voice that has brought me a smile. it's warm on that side like every hug that has actually saved my life.
but who really wants to move off this fence? who has decided that fear is a big pussy and life's too short to sit around wondering, but myself? im kinda starting to think im alone in this mindset. not that i need to run to one side or the other, but why is their such disdain on the faces of those who deep down are longing for this amazing place as if it doesn't exist when they can see it right in front of them?
am i the only one that truly believes that not everyone you encounter is the same as the last? am i the only one that believes in honesty and truth? seriously maybe i do need to learn to hold back. maybe my outstretched palm to help someone across to the side of pure bliss is too much. maybe i just need to venture out there alone and hope someone follows or is there waiting for me.
right now this fence is cold and lonely. i have splinters in my butt and im numb and sore from just sitting here. i'm really tired of this waiting game. i'm tired of sometimes slipping over onto the side of sad sounds and bleak days. im not one for being fast but as soon as i even see my foot dangling on that side i hurl my tired body back on the fence. i know i don't want to go that way.
somehow limbo is becoming completely irrational and i wish logic would set in and take over. that although i haven't had the best track record or examples, this side where people are smiling and having amazing dance parties does exist and IS real. it's not a mirage. it's not a bad joke. it's not a landmine. it's there for the taking if you want it.
and i want it. now just to move off this fence.
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