the ways in which i cope...

may not always be healthy.
prob why last years anorexic jeans dont fit.
sometimes i dont eat, sometimes i eat for a small family.

i am elated though that lately, i cope through writing.  back a long time ago in therapy (yeah i went, what of it), i was told to write letters to the people that i was angry at and tear them up and throw them away or burn them in a fire.  or write an email but dont click send (whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich didnt work out of instant habit of clicking send... oops, sorry daddy!).

i love that i have this blog that im pretty sure no one reads.
i feel like by being able to write to this person that hurt me so deep (and im still not sure WHY really since we didnt know each other that well or that long), ive been able to process my thoughts and my feelings both rational and irate. and it is what it is.

i can not so much as dip my fingers into the past and turn the pages backward as i can thumb forward into the future, skipping over the parts that are boring or that i do not like.

i can go on from this moment now.

this moment now says that i cared about someone who i thought cared about me because he said so not because i was reading into things.  this moment now says that for whatever reason he ran and told me not to follow.  this moment now says he does not want to and will not speak to me.  this moment now says that there is no point in dwelling on what is.  i cant change it.  i cant control it.  that is the hand i was dealt, the circumstance i am currently in.  so, where do i go from here?

i dont really want to forget him because he made me feel pretty and important and interesting.  but i dont want to hold stake and value in HIS opinions.  i want to hold value in the truth, that before he even mentioned anything or smiled or kissed me or held my hand or fell asleep with me, that i was beautiful and interesting and smart and funny and important.  before he told me that he couldnt look at me for very long because i was too pretty.... i always was.  i dont need anyone to tell me.  it's nice to hear sure, but that is the human ego loving flattery.  i need to know these things about myself whether someone never tells me them ever again or whether someone tells me them every day for the rest of my life.

that is the only truth i have right now that isn't questionable.  i am quite a catch and im not meant to be with everyone.  everyone has their demons to battle and mountains to climb and i cant fix everyone.  i cant change people at the rate i want them to change.  i cant make someone do or be anything they are not wanting to be on their own accord.

for once, i think it is high time i stop worrying about everyone else and focus on me.  what makes me tick, who i am, what i like to do, who i like to be around.
in fact, through this whole ordeal i have learned that i love to write, and sing, and make music.  i have learned that music heals my wounds no matter how deep or what genre.
i learned that im stronger than i think i am and am certainly no quitter.  i learned that i am not a mean girl.  in fact, i am a rare breed and am far too nice and accommodating.  i learned that i cant hate people for taking advantage of me.  i can just try to be more careful.  i mean, it is like hating audrey for spilling milk and breaking a cup.  accidents happen.  it is just milk and just a cup.  the shards can be thrown away and the spill can be wiped dry.

every accident has a remedy and while it may not always be comfortable and sometimes it may be far more time consuming than you wish, it's just a part of the course you're on.  this is the path im walking and i am not meant to know every step before i take it.  i don't know what the scenery will look like on this path 100 yards down.  i'll get there when i get there and face what comes as it does.

i cant control things.  i cant prepare for the worst in every situation and i certainly must stop expecting the best of every situation.  i need to just take life as it comes.
one moment at a time.