come to think of it

why am i moping and sad?
why am i hoping and dreaming?

you broke my heart.
you took all the fears i shared with you, all the hopes and wishes and wants, all the little things that mean a lot to me.... you shit all over them.
you opened up to me and for what?  to get what you wanted and to leave when things might have gotten serious.

i wasnt even the typical girl pushing for shit.
YOU were the goddamn girl.
i was the guy content with space and solitude.

yeah i said i missed you and maybe i sent a few too many texts but that had been the norm since the beginning.  i just am text happy.
and i even apologized for that.
and you pulled every stupid excuse out of your face to shove me away.

VIA TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what i think is that you're a coward.
you are an absolute coward.
my dorky robot boy is no coward.
he may be timid but he's no coward.
he is sweet on me.
he wouldn't ever shove me away in fear or because of "work."

you asked if you were the dorky robot cos you got me stickers.
i said yes.
maybe i lied to you too.
maybe i said too much too soon too.
two can play that game sir.

cos deep down i know you meant what you said and said all that you meant.
i know youre afraid of feelings.
who the fuck isnt?
who that has been hurt as deeply as we both have can honestly say they are NOT afraid of intense feelings?

but what sucks is that i trusted you and you turned into a fucking coward, TEXTED ME, and shit all over my face.  and not in a fun way (if that could ever be considered fun.)

you broke my little fragile heart into so many shards that i am not sure what goes where.
and the fucked up thing is that YOU DONT CARE!
you havent so much as thought about me or said hello.
you went from texting me EVERY DAY to say something stupid and lame to being a cold and distant stranger.
im not sure i can forgive that.

i wanted you to come here and tell me you were sorry.
so many times.
like some scene out of a movie.
like say anything.
oh my john cusack.
but you wont.
you never will.
you will forget me as easily as one forgets a good dream when they wake.
we all remember the bad ones, but rarely does one remember the details of a good one.
you put me out like your many american spirits.... just squash me in an empty can or that pot you have in the corner to grow your cigarette plant.

i keep hoping you'll prove me wrong but i know you wont.
i bet youre laughing up a storm now.
having a good ol gigglefest.
i dont even know that i have crossed your mind once since you told me to basically fuck off.

your loss sir.
your loss indeed.
i cant find all the fucking pieces so you ruined it for someone that may actually WANT to be nice to me genuinely and not just to suffice some emotional trauma from an ex.
i believed you.
i think thats why i cry.
i believed you.
i hate myself for trusting.
after all the things i said about how i hate trusting and i dont wanna get hurt again and............ you could care less.
you got what you needed.
a little ego boost and then you run.

well good for you.
enjoy your smiles and eventually ill stop hating myself for believing that someone gave a shit about me and thought i was beautiful and interesting and funny.
ill stop hating myself for thinking my dorky robot existed and was real.

one day ill stop hating myself for how much you hurt me.  notice how i dont just hate you.  i hate ME in all of this.
you could probably come over right now and say youre sorry and id be stupid enough to forgive you and youd probably do it again even worse.

with a heavy sigh im going on with my life.  off to work my weekend shifts while you giggle your face off and forget that you ever told me you wanted to be serious with me and that you liked me so much it scared you and that you were glad you met me.

thanks for the sad face.