i let my guard down again. this time a bit too far down. i don't know the last time it's BEEN this down. i'm not sure why im as sad as i am. it wasnt for very long. he never did anything with me but hang out with his friends and watch tv. he owed me fun times and i believed they were coming. we'd talk and it was serious sometimes, deep other times, revealing on occasion, and silly shit the rest.
a few months ago i got these dorky robots on my chest. it was paying homage to my nerdy self, not letting anyone treat me like shit again or forget about me. i would wait with fervor and resolve for my dorky little robot boy. and how prematurely i thought i found him. kind of strangely i guess too since initially i went to go hang out with his roommate who stopped talking to me for whatever reason. he bought me stickers and i got him some stupid toys and shit. now i just feel stupid cos im sure he was like "um what the hell is this?" like always i invested more than what was being invested in. i cared far too much for someone that obviously cared far too little. i believed the lines and words that he spoke. i thought he meant it. he didnt seem like the rest of the douchey pack. he admitted some personal things to me. so i assumed he was honest. he said how much i scared him and how good this felt. i agreed. on both levels.
im not one to ever cower in fear or bow to it's iron fist. for once i wish i did. for once i wish i ran screaming the second he said he liked me. for once i wish i never spent the night or invested in making future plans. i wish i never met him at all. i know those are strong words but the words that i got to read thru text last nite (YES how brave and commendable to rip a girl's heart out via text) seriously ripped me to pieces. and again, i feel so very stupid cos we hung out for like a month is all but..... i hate being led on. i hate being lied to. i hate having someone feed me hope for my last meal before the slaughter. i seem to always just barely escape death and the taste of good things and promises is starting to become bitter and foul.
i wish him well. he is probably the most awesome person i'd met. he was what he said he was. he made no claims to be anything smooth or suave. he just was himself. he was a dork and free flowing with his words. and maybe that came to be my demise. regardless, i havent hurt this bad since i was 18 and lost my best friend. and maybe it's psychotically premature to assume such feelings in such a short time, but crazy me will admit to feeling something different.... crazy me will say that i didnt mind staying up all night talking, i actually liked falling asleep on him watching tv shows, and i didnt care about his "health issues" that was so embarrassed of. i didnt care he had hardly any free time or a son to devote weekends to. i for once put myself last and someone else first. and i dont know if that's what hurts the worst of all. for once i forgot about myself and things felt right and good. and then they exploded.
i told him i'd wait til he was less busy. he said no. he said all ties had to be severed. but it wasnt MY fault. of course not. never is til a month later they have someone new. i dont think i'll forget this friend and i really hope he comes around. either im a serious glutton for punishment or im stupid or maybe, just maybe, i found my dorky robot after all.
for right now, my eyes are swollen, my cheeks are red, and there is a bleeding cavity in my chest where my heart should be. im not sure where all the pieces are, if i will ever find them at all. i just know that i want today to be over so tomorrow can ease me one more day into shoving this awful nonsense into the past to be forgotten and buried.
i normally do NOT care. i normally think so much of myself this shit doesnt even bother me. i want to know why i care and hurt and am crying. i want to know why my remains are telling me to have hope while my brain is saying "shut the fuck up you stupid girl!"
i am a war of head vs heart..... it's always this way.
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