numbers and letters and brands oh my!

still after being sick from severe vitamin deficiencies all day, all i can think about is the fact that i ate and how it is going to affect the scale in the morning.

i really have no idea why im preoccupied with this nonsense.

does being a size 0-2 make you better than an 8-16?

what does it even matter?
why cant i seem to see what everyone else sees?

im hung up on some obscure rating based on a number or letter that even varies with brand or cut.
you're never the same size in two pairs of jeans or two dresses.

there are so many alterations and disclaimers that all you know is that you are to strive to be the smallest number or letter indicating the smallest size on the spectrum.

i have no idea why that small number or letter indicating the petite title of the world is my ultimate goal.  i should be working on myself and being a better person and contributing to society and the lives of others, not being hung up on how im seen and viewed by the public eye.

i have plenty of people male and female alike tell me im pretty and shit like that and i cant seem to grasp it.

i dont see that.
i wish i did.
i wish i wasnt so hung up on an estimation of my size.
a number on a scale or for my waist.

i wish i knew the significance of this bullshit.
one more day i ate and felt guilty.
one more day i wish i could run until my lungs burst and my knees give way.
one more day i wish i could take back putting one meager bite in my mouth.

hopefully at some point i wont be so hung up on a skeletal appearance.  i see audrey and i wonder if im gonna be one of those psycho moms that worries about size and what she eats and drinks.  sometimes i wonder if she'll pick up on the bullshit i say outloud about myself and think it about herself one day too.

i wish i knew why this issue has such an iron grip on my mental state.
i wish i knew the significance of this bullshit.

i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for not being 100% psycho active.
i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for consuming carbohydrates and dairy.
i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for eating period.

ill get there one day i hope.
this is really getting annoying.