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Saturday, October 6, 2012

and yet still i find you distracting

this has been the most awkward of situations to process, hence the mother fuckin 150 thousand posts about my ever fluctuating emotions like a pregnant woman or a girl with a massive PMS attack.

yes, i was irrational at times in my thought process, but the key word is process.  i havent had to deal with something like this actually for over 10 years.  which makes me believe i actually cared for you more than i intended to.

and im judging you.  im assuming you have ill will toward me when you never said that all.  you said you were sorry.  you said you needed to be alone.  and i dont know what the hell youre thinking and feeling and processing yourself.
i know she leads you on with false hope though and i wish she wouldnt.  you deserve to move on and be happy.  and again, boy who i hope is reading this, you know who you are.  and i wish you a bit of freedom from that.  you are quite possibly the sweetest guy i have had the pleasure of talking to.  and while before i expressed hatred and anger and borderline rage.... i dont mean it.  i was more mad at myself for investing so much in a potentially failed effort.

you ended our talk with a line that i took so bitterly and so harshly but i don't know that youre a jerk or meant it to come out that way.  you said "the future is unwritten."  maybe you were blowing me off.  maybe it was a cop out to get me to shut up and stop pestering you for information.  but it's true.
in all honesty, i have no more hope you will call me and ask to hang out.  if you ever do, i might pee my pants or i might say no.  i dont know.

but one lesson you taught me in a short time is how to think outside of myself.  for once i wasn't concerned about what i was getting OUT of something but what i was investing INTO something.  and above anything, i know you work hard.  i know you love your kid.  i know you appreciate the lessons you've learned and how you've grown.  but i know you have your demons and your battles and your struggles.  i know you have your confusion and your pain and your questions.

dear boy, i just wish you clarity.  even if you never speak a word to me again, i hope that you get what you need.  i believe in you.  in a short time knowing you, with what serious and lengthy talks we had for hours on end, i know a lot more about you than i should.  i wish you the best and should our paths cross again, i hope youre in a better place where youre ready to embrace new things and let go of the past.

i hope you dont think me nuts, boy, for how intense and varying my emotions are.  im a cancer.  it's just in my nature i guess.  and you meant a lot more to me than you might ever realize just because of who you are.  i never met anyone like you before.  i hope to meet you again someday.

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