and every day the pain lessens

or at least it should.
why oh dear god why am i so hung up on this?
there was no label, we never went on a date, we just........ talked and laughed and it felt great.
and maybe again it's the one sided nonsense i always seem to be involved in.
im involved with my own feelings i guess.
i read into things like "im serious about dating you" or "i like you a lot and it's scary."
i mean, shit, if any girl were to hear those words, why of course she would take it the wrong way.

and the low blow of "i need to be alone" is nothing new to me.  im used to it by now.  things move too fast, people get afraid and run run run run run.  it's like im covered in some sweet nectar that lures them in, they start to get sick off the sweet smell and run and vomit.   im left sticky and sad.

oh so sad.

i was hopeful.  foolishly hopeful that id met someone nice that could just be my buddy to take the crazy course slowwwwwwwwwwly with.  someone to feel out and see who they were without making some huge public ordeal of our interactions.

maybe somewhere out there is my real dorky robot.  or maybe this cowardly robot will resurface.  but that is yet another of my crazy foolish thoughts.  sometimes i wonder if he hears a song and thinks about me or goes to my facebook page to see my face.  we only hung out a bit over a month but when you talk to someone and joke with someone every day for over a month, i dunno if its just me, but.... it's missable.  i wonder if he misses me sleeping next to him because i sure do. 

but every day the pain lessens.  every day that passes i realize that it is what it is.  i cant control it so why worry.  if it's meant to be, it will happen.  BLAH BLAH BLAH all the cliches are unfortunately so true.

maybe i was a fling, a joke, a bad idea, a distraction, a boring waste of time.  maybe i was more and the fear of it with the demands of life were too much.  maybe i seem too good to be true?  i mean for once i wasnt even about myself.  for once i was about putting someone else and their schedule first. 

i really wanted my motorcycle ride.  i really wanted to go on silly adventures.  i really wanted a nerf gun fight.  i probably wont get the chance to have those things with this person.  that's honestly the harsh reality. 

but every day that passes, the pain will get lesser and lesser.  if he comes around ill probably the happiest girl that ever saw the light of day.  if not, well, my dorky robot is out there and we will get to do these things.