i sit listening to my resident sing himself songs because his headphones are on too loud while the other sits against the wall with a scowl on his face because it is the weekend. oh dude, i dont understand you.
i had a lot of time to think last nite. mostly i am crazy overtired and was forced to be awake all nite.
regardless, i'm over it.
i was sad and hopeful, sad and bittersweet, sad and remorseful, and then just fucking angry-sad.
im tired of spending my emotions on you, especially beCAUSE you dont care. you are wasting NO time giving me a thought, so why should i waste any sort of energy on you. im burned out enough. i spend most minutes of every day taking care of everyone else. i don't have time for that any more. i gave you everything i had left for a short period of time. i gave you attention, hours i should have been sleeping, and patience i should have saved for my kiddo or the massive obstacles i have ahead of me.
the point is, you gave me your past. you gave me your stories. you gave me fluffy words. you gave me hope for a brief moment. but what you really gave me was a rude awakening. wolves wear sheeps clothing. you pretended. and what a good pretender you were. i cant hold that against you. that's who you are. you have your own hiccups and i have mine.
you told me stories of these ex's of yours and now i feel like i got this skewed and jaded version of your stories. i mean, the one that sat in your driveway most nights crying and blowing up your phone.... maybe its cos you strung her along too..... worse than how you did me cos that was 3 months and this was only 1. but that's besides the point.
there is a lot about me you didnt even bother to ask about or get to know. and it's a shame because it is your loss. and i can say that now. i didnt make any mistakes. YOU did. you pushed away a girl willing to endure your stress, endure your confused feelings about a past love and the chaos with your job.... you threw away someone who didnt mind being farted on or staying at home and watching tv. you threw it away because you got what you wanted from it and needed nothing else. you got your ego boost, you got the little fluff you were needing after your ex got remarried. you got sex. you got that emotional high and then realized you were able to get a girl and threw me to the curb for whatever reason.
and honestly, im over it now. i will meet someone genuine and honest and far better than you because he wont lie to me or lead me along and dump me off a cliff. he will take me somewhere and not hide me in his house because he's embarrassed of me or whatever. he will be nothing of what you are. i feel sorry for you. im not angry or upset or hate-filled. i feel sad for you.
i said id wait but.......for what? for you to do it again when shit hits the fan and you don't know how to cope? absolutely not.
and i really hope youre reading this since you wont answer an email and im too afraid to text you. i hope you read every word. i hope you saw the song i posted with my puffy nasty eyes from crying. you hurt me. but what you dont know about me, is that it's not strength that i lack.... and ill be ok.....just like when you left me at the airport to spend time with your ex (i get it now), i found my way back then and i can do it now too.
i hope we can be friends down the road and that your project takes off. i know it means a lot to you. i know youre working super hard on it. i hope you find what you need be it in yourself or someone else. goodbye trudy cusack. you gave me a month and a bit of smiles and good feeling. you gave me a month and a bit of hope. so ill find a positive in all this. i thought you were the best but i guess there's someone even better than you. goodbye.
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