all lines have an end

i swear i need to stop thinking sometimes.  my brain rambles at a million miles an hour and sometimes i just can't keep up.

as much as i want to stop thinking about the humorous events that occurred yesterday, i can't stop chewing on it.  the past year has been non stop idiot men coming in and out of my life at the speed of sound.  it's been lines and lies, smiles and stabwounds, puppy love and poop, and strings and hope and bottomless plummets.  i feel like i have learned way too much about the opposite gender from these experiences but at the same time i feel that im still so stupid and so naive.

i hate being a woman.  i hate it.
from a young age we are fed this bullshit about fairytales and princes.  we are fed nonsense about being swept off our feet in some whirlwind romantic cloud.
IT DOESNT EXIST.
yes i sound jaded and cynical and bitter and maybe that is due to the events of the past year, but maybe it IS because of one real truth:
a majority of men are ASSHOLES.
and for some reason i keep on running into them.

they lie and we hold on hope.
they cheat and we think they will come back.
they lie some more and we think they just fear commitment.
they ignore us and we just assume they are too busy.

why do we do this to ourselves?
why do we believe the nonsense of fairytales or the one instance where someone met a non asshole?
the reality is that most of my male acquaintances or friends will probably resent me for saying this or completely agree with me.

we spend so much time eating junk food and being sad when they do these things to us, secretly hanging on to some thread of possibility.  diabetes and hope are our two worst sources of comfort.

the reality is, if a guy cheats, he never loved you.  if a guy lies, he never loved you.  if a guy ignores you, chances are he doesnt even like you.  SO STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM!  stop believing something you saw in a movie or heard in a friend's story or read in a book.  it's not reality.  reality is, if a guy does all this, he doesnt like you or love you or want to be with you.

and it's nothing about YOU.  YOU are still the same person.  YOU are still YOU.   what someone else does to YOU doesn't change who YOU are it just means you're not hanging out with the right people.

so time to change the scenery.  time to weed the assholes out of your life.  time to get all the people that arent worth it out of the picture.  stop hoping and waiting and wishing and day dreaming.  stop wanting what isn't even worth it.  spend your energy and efforts on bettering your own life and yourself and surrounding yourself with good people.  the line of dipshits can't be THAT long.  it has to end somewhere.  i'd like to believe i'm close to the end after all that i've endured this past year:
-lies
-being told im a joke
-being ignored
-being cheated on
-more lies
-being a rebound
-more lies
-them having 2 girlfriends at once
-being told they got their ex pregnant and cant talk to me anymore
-being used for sex
-more lies
-hanging out once and never calling back or not telling me they didnt like me or want to see me again
-being told im fat and gross
-not telling me they are back with their ex
-more lies

shit, i could go on for hours, but the reality is, these people are not worth it.  these people make up a really long line but all lines have an end.   im sure at the end, my dorky robot is waiting for me with my balloons in hand.  and i'll know the bullshit is over, i've weathered the storm, and the end of nonsense is in sight with a new beginning at hand.  i can wait.  i can endure.  i've done it enough already and im not dead yet.

but one thing i wont do is shut up.  i wont quit venting.  i wont stop this string of girly thoughts publicly displayed for all to see.  why?  cos im not the only one.  im not the only one waiting for that dorky robot at the end of the line of dipshits and assholes.  im not the only one that seems to be horribly unlucky in that department.
another thing i wont do is quit.  i have a self esteem regardless of  how all these dummies treat me and speak to me.  im not stupid.  im not a fool.  im not ugly or fat or boring.  i like myself.

so back to waiting.  this time i will be a bit more selective about what new dipshit i encounter and how deep it actually goes before i realize it's going to blow up in my face.  but with every asshole i deal with and every new experience of being hurt and wrecked, i learn new things.  unfortunately this last one was the biggest mistake cos i ignored all common sense that said "kelly watch yourself."  i ignored every gut feeling that said "run like hell dummy."  so now, now i listen to my head and my gut.  i ignore my heart til my head says "this is no dipshit."

my ears are open and im ready for what's next.

don't settle.  don't compromise.  don't endure lies and cheating and bullshit and nonsense and drama.  it's not worth it.  being alone is no big deal.  sure a friend is cool and all that jazz.  who doesnt like being told they are pretty and liked and appreciated?  it fluffs the human ego and we all love it (girl and guy alike).  reality is, you gotta love you every day regardless of who is there to affirm it or not.  you have to endure the cold nights when you just want someone to cuddle and all you have is a big green blanket and a cat.  you have to stop watching chick flicks and reading romance novels that feed you this bullshit ideal that is non existent.  you have to be patient.  you have to wait.  the dorky robot boy is at the end of the line of complete losers with your balloon bouquet ready to take you to the playground to roll down a hill of leaves.  maybe he's impatiently waiting for you too.  the point is, if that's what you really want.... you gotta just wait.  keep your standards and wait.  learn from every dipshit that breaks your heart.  learn who you are, what you want, what you don't want..... and don't cave and settle.

the end of girly thoughts for now.  im sure ill have tons more to come.