a fresh start

i guess maybe last nite i got a little clarity ... a little bit of well needed clarity.
of course the ever rambling girly brain that i do have is overthinking and questioning everything but i have politely told her to shut up and have stuffed her full of breakfast and second breakfast.

i think it's really good what happened come to think of it.
i do need to just focus right now and get my shit together.
i was spending too many hours putting energy into something really awesome but possibly not really necessary for right now.
i wonder if you'll be there when it is my right time.
i feel like that might be awesome but what do i know.
im a girl remember?
we tend to overanalyze and overscrutinize every minute moment and look and word and detail.

for now though, i have work, i start school tomorrow, i have audrey, i have the zombie pub crawl, muay thai, guitar, and some pretty rad friends to hang out with.

i was still finding myself when i met you and still finding my niche.
i shouldnt have dove headfirst into whatever we were doing but i did.
i dont regret it at all.
i hope in the right time, it can pick up where it left off and head into a better place.
i think youre a good influence on me in some regards :)

on that note, it's me time again.
the very thing i always seek to avoid, but it's time i get focused on growing up some more.
that wonderful phrase that will haunt me to the grave.

of course im still about 4 years old on the inside and cant wait to play in the mud and have finger paint and nerf gun wars with audrey, but in reality i need to get with a few things:
-im almost 30
-i am a poor manager of my money
-i neglect taking care of myself
-i have some pretty unhealthy habits
-i have hobbies i forgot about
-im still in school
-im a MOM
-i need to move
-i dont always make the most mature/wise decisions
-i dont always like having alone time
-i have a board exam to pass in a year

these things need to take priority and focus, not an adventure buddy or a new special friend.
maybe when i get some of these knocked off my list life will be different, but until then, i need  to really get my shit together.  that's a long list of things that i need to get in order and i realize it wont all happen overnight but to neglect these things in lieu of a new friend is the dumbest idea imaginable.

i hate time and i hate that it is so vital to the course of life events.  i just want everything spelled out and mapped out in front of me.  i hate not knowing.  i hate wanting something i cant have right now.  but maybe the suspense and the waiting and the growth will be well worth it in the end.

i sure hope so.